I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
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I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
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HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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