so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
someone owes me an orgasm
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
