mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
