So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
