dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
