Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
