based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
