I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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