On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
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Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
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Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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