u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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