My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
