I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
