Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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