I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
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The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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