all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
