she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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