We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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