1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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