toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
