did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Pants 0. Shit 1.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
