glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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