Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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