I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
