i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
