Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
