Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
