So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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