I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Vodka?
Forever.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
