I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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