I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
