somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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