she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
