why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
