Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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