oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
