Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
