I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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