Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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