Will you blow on my dice?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
