You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
