you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have fence marks all over my body
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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