mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
