i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
