he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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