Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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