I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
