I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
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Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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