Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I want to walk on stilts...naked
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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