You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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