I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
