the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
