You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
