The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
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