you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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