Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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