Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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