im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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