You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
