Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
