I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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