I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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