I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Come see our sink grown plant.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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